Dilbert Quotes

A magazine ran a “Dilbert Quotes” contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real life Dilbert-type managers. Here are some submissions:

As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.
(Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)

What I need is a specific list of the unknown problems which we will encounter.
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)

Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.”
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday, Valentine’s Day. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.”
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

“We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.”
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.”
(Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)

One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!”
(New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)

Thanks, Robin in Winnipeg