After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers. "I'm busy," he said. "I'll do the next one." The next time came around and she asked again. The husband narrowed his...
A man in Florida, in his 80s, calls his son in New York one November day. The father says to the son, "I hate to tell you, but we've got some troubles here in the house. Your mother and I can't stand each other anymore, and we're getting a divorce. I...
A former friend of mine was married to a great gal. Unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway...
At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child, the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child. "Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another chi...
Dear Joe, I have been unable to sleep since I broke off your marriage with my daughter. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your mohawk, tattoo and pierced nose. I now realize that motorcycles aren't really that danger...
A father believed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy into focusing more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying b...
Mess Test
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer. Toy Test
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (you may substitute roofing tacks if you wish). Have a friend spread them all over...
My wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to our six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?" I wouldn't know what to say," she replied. "Just say what you hear Mommy say." So our daughter bowed he...
The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Billy," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?" "My daddy said it," he responded. "Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "I don't want to hear that l...
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother. The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said,"I sent her a Mercede...
At a wedding rehearsal, the minister told the father of the bride, "As you give your daughter's hand to the bridegroom, you should say something nice to him." The father, a grocery store manager, took the advice. During the wedding ceremony...
A little boy came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened. "Well, Dad," said the boy, "I chal...
Dear Son, Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home. We've moved. About your father. He has a lovely new job. He has 5,...
I just realized that while children are dogs — loyal and affectionate — teenagers are cats. It's so easy to be a dog owner. You feed it, train it, boss it around. It puts its head on your knee and gazes at you as if you were a Rembrandt painting. It b...
-A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number. -A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast. -A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows i...
It was a terrible night, blowing cold and rain in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and wa...
A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked. When a woman came to the door, he asked her the names and ages of her children. She said, "Let's see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're eighteen. And the twins, Seth &...
"I'm ashamed of the way we live," a young wife said to her lazy husband who refused to find a job. "My father pays our rent. My mother buys all of our food. My sister buys our clothes. My aunt bought us a car. I'm just so ashamed." The husband rolled...
Three mothers are sitting on a park bench in Miami Beach talking about (what else?) how much their sons love them. Sadie says, "You know the Chagall painting hanging in my living room? My son, Arnold, bought that for me for my 75th birthday. Wh...
The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line as the guided tour arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intel...
