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Male Speech Patterns

"I can\'t find it" MEANS: It didn\'t fall into my outstretched hands, so I am completely clueless. "That\'s women\'s work" MEANS: it\'s difficult, dirty, and thankless. "Will you Marry me?" MEANS: both of my roommates have moved out, I can\'t find the washer, and there\'s no peanut butter left. "It\'s a guy thing." MEANS: there\'s no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical. "Can I help with dinner?" MEANS: why isn\'t it already on the table? "It would take too long to explain" MEANS: I have no idea how it works. "I\'m getting more exercise lately" MEANS: the batteries in the remote are dead. "We\'re going to be late." MEANS: I have a legitimate reason for driving like a maniac. "Take a break, honey, you\'re working too hard." MEANS: I can\'t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner. "That\'s interesting dear." MEANS: are you still talking? "Honey, we don\'t need material things to prove our love." MEANS: I forgot our anniversary again. "You expect too much from me." MEANS: You expect me to stay awake? "It\'s really a good movie." MEANS: It\'s got guns, knives, fast cars, and naked women. "You know how bad my memory is." MEANS: I remember the words to the theme song of F-Troop, the address of the first girl I kissed, and the vehicle identification number of every car I\'ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday. "I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." MEANS: the girl selling them on the corner was a real babe, and was wearing a bikini. "Oh, don\'t fuss, I just cut myself, it\'s no big deal." MEANS: I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I\'m hurt. "Hey, I\'ve got reasons for what I\'m doing." MEANS: what did you catch me at? "She\'s one of those rabid feminists." MEANS: she refused to make my coffee. "I heard you." MEANS: I haven\'t the foggiest clue what you just said, and hope I can fake it well enough, so that you don\'t spend the next three days yelling at me. "You know I could never love anyone else." MEANS: I am used to the way YOU yell at me, and realize it could be worse. "You really look terrific in that outfit." MEANS: Please don\'t try on one more outfit, I\'m starving. "I brought you a present." MEANS: It was free ice scraper night at the ball/hockey game. "I\'m not lost, I know exactly where we are." MEANS: No one will ever see us alive again. "This relationship is getting too serious." MEANS: I like you almost as much as I like my truck. "I don\'t need to read the instructions." MEANS: I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help. "I missed you." MEANS: I can\'t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry, and we\'re out of toilet paper. Thanks, Brent in Alabama