Marital “Bliss”

My wife says she holds me responsible for most of our marital problems. Just goes to show ya how much she knows – I’m never home.

I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm, trim body or my intellect. She said, “Your sense of humor dear.”

I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive driver. I pointed out that if she’s ever in an accident, the paper’s gonna print her real age.

My wife is so talented. She does the best bird imitations. She watches me like a hawk.

I’ve been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me!

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?” She said, “Somewhere I have never been!” I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

All my wife does is shop – once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, electric bread maker. Then she said “There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!” So what did I do? Bought her an electric chair.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale’s. I bring her mail there twice a week.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, “I” stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost weight, but can she climb a tree!

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Three weeks ago, she learned how to drive. Last week she learned how to aim it.

I came home, the car was in the dining room. “How did you get the car in here?” “Easy, I took a left at the kitchen.”