She is not a BABE or a CHICK — She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a BLEACHED BLONDE — She is PEROXIDE DEPENDENT.

She is not a BAD COOK — She is MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.

She is not HALF NAKED — She is WARDROBE IMPAIRED.

She does not wear TOO MUCH JEWELRY — She is METALLICALLY OVERBURDENED.

She is not CONCEITED — She is INTIMATELY AWARE OF HER BEST QUALITIES

She does not want to be MARRIED — She wants to lock you in DOMESTIC INCARCERATION.

She does not GAIN WEIGHT — She is a METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER — She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY — She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT — She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB — She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She is not TOO SKINNY — She is SKELETALLY PROMINENT.

She does not HAVE A MUSTACHE — She is IN TOUCH WITH HER MASCULINE SIDE.

She does not HATE TELEVISED SPORTS — She is ATHLETICALLY IGNORANT

She has not BEEN AROUND — She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH PERFUME — She commits FRAGRANCE ABUSE.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED — She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY — She is a NON-INHIBITED SEXUAL COMPANION.

She does not have a KILLER BODY — She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She does not GO SHOPPING — She is MALL FLUENT.

She is not an AIRHEAD — She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY — She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She does not get FAT or CHUBBY — She achieves MAXIMUM DENSITY.

She is not COLD or FRIGID — She is THERMALLY INACCESSIBLE.

She is not HORNY — She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKEUP — She has reached COSMETIC SATURATION.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS — She is GRAVITY RESISTANT.

She does not NAG YOU — She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT — She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She is not LOOSE — She is MORALLY IMPAIRED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS — She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR

She does not have THIN LIPS — She is COLLAGEN DEFICIENT.