Tourist Guide

Because of misunderstandings that frequently develop when Easterners and Californians cross a mid-western state such as Wisconsin, Tourism Councils have adopted a new policy. In an effort to help outsiders understand the rural Midwest, the following list will be handed to each person as they enter the state.

1. That slope-shouldered farm boy did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.
2. It’s called a gravel road. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your new Navigator. I have a four-wheel drive because I need it. Step on it or get it out of the way.
3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.
4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get you whipped – by our women.
5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don’t cry to us if a flathead breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little 13-inch trout you fish for. . . bait.
6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.
7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. That’s right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you paid in the airport for one drink.
9. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.
10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.
11. So you have a sixty thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.
12. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. You stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.
13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks-because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.
14. Yeah, we eat catfish, carp, too–and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available down at the bait shop.
15. They are pigs. That’s what they smell like. Get over it. Don’t like it? Interstates go two ways. Pick one and use it.
16. The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.
17. So every person in every pickup waves. It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?
18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
19. That Highway Patrol Officer that just pulled you over for driving like an idiot. . . his name is “Sir”. . . no matter how young he may look.

Thanks, Barb in Wisconsin