What Doctors Really Mean
"This should be taken care of right away."
Translation: I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable I want to fix it before it clears up on its own.
"Let me check your medical history."
Translation: I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
Translation: I have a tee-time in fifteen minutes —or— I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
Translation: The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
Translation: I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
Translation: I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"This may smart a little."
Translation: Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
Translation: I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
Translation: You're as crazy as a loon. Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me...
"I'd like to run some more tests."
Translation: I have no clue what's wrong. I need time to go home and search WebMD.com.