You might be Southern Baptist if…

You believe you are supposed to take a covered dish to heaven when you die.

You have never sung the 3rd verse of any hymn.

You have never put an IOU in the collection plate.

You think God’s presence is always strongest in the back three pews.

You think John the Baptist founded the Southern Baptist Convention.

You clapped in church last Sunday and felt guilty about it all week.

You judge the quality of a service by its duration.

You also judge the quality of the sermon by how much sweat the preacher worked up.

You think the Holy Land is Nashville.

You are old enough to get a senior citizen discount at the pharmacy but not old enough to be promoted to the senior adult Sunday School Class.

You think someone who says “amen” while the Pastor is preaching might be a charismatic.

You complained because your Pastor only works one day a week and then he works too long.

You think “Amazing Grace” is the national anthem.

The first complete sentence you uttered was “We’ve never done it this way before.”

You think the epistles are probably the wives of the apostles.

Your definition of “fellowship” has something to do with food.

You wonder if Lottie Moon and Annie Armstrong will ever be paid off.

You honestly believe the Apostle Paul spoke King James English.

You think worship music has to be loud.

You think Jesus actually used Welch’s grape juice and saltine crackers.

You think preachers who wear robes are in cahoots with the communists.

You once woke up craving fried chicken and interpreted that as a call to preach.

Thanks, Martha in Missouri