Elevitis: The compulsive need to press already-lit elevator buttons.
Shoshanism: Persistent, pathological fascination with persons of no discernible accomplishment beyond their former association with celebrities. (See also Katotonia, Monicanucleosis.)
Schlitzophrenia: The inexplicable desire to consume cheap domestic beer.
Munchies-Syndrome-By-Proxy: A craving for salty snack foods, often triggered by the pot smoking of others.
Fallonian Denial: Recurring belief that maybe, just maybe, this week’s “Saturday Night Live” won’t suck.
Bull-imia: Self-destructive cycle of bingeing on blue chips, then purging stocks at market close.
Trekkerphobia: The fear that your friends and co-workers will discover that you have all the original Star Trek episodes on videotape, indexed by title, episode number and guest stars, and that you have a Klingon costume hanging in your closet.
Chadophobia: Irrational fear you might suddenly punch a passing Floridian.
Dietrrhea: The inability to be on any weight loss program without talking about it to everyone.
Dubyalusions of Grandeur: Mistaken belief that you actually won the election.
Adolescinemaphilia: Uncontrollable urge to see a Freddie Prinze, Jr. movie.
Bipolarbear Disorder: Desire to have sex with large arctic carnivores of either gender.
Barcolepsy: The inability to remain awake for longer than 30 seconds after sitting in the recliner in front of the TV.