New Work Rules

  1. SICKNESS: No excuses will be acceptable. We will no longer accept your doctor's statement as proof of illness, as we believe that if you are well enough to go to the doctor, you are well enough to come to work.
  2. LEAVE OF ABSENCE FOR AN OPERATION: We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, and to have anything removed certainly makes you less than we bargained for.
  3. DEATH, OTHER THAN YOUR OWN: This is no excuse. If you can arrange for funeral services to be held late in the afternoon, however, we can let you off a half-hour early, provided it is for an immediate family member and all your work is up to date.
  4. DEATH, YOUR OWN: This will be accepted as an excuse, but we expect at least two weeks notice, as we feel it is your duty to train some0one else to do your job. By the way, if you die on the job, please fall over so we can tell the live workers from the dead ones.
  5. PERSONAL HYGIENE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the washrooms. In the future, you will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order, for instance, those with surnames beginning with "A" will be allowed to go from 9:00-9:05, and so on. If you are unable to go at your appointed time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes around again.
  6. QUANTITY OF WORK: No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
  7. QUALITY OF WORK: The minimum acceptable level is perfection.
  8. RAISES: We understand the rising cost of living, but we expect you to work with us. No one will be considered for a raise until everyone over the age of twelve in his or her family is working two jobs and you have sold all your luxury items such as cars, refrigerators and school books.