Momentum Investing — The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing — The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker — Poorer than you were in 1999.

P/E ratio — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Standard & Poor — Your life in a nutshell.

Stock Analyst — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market — A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband sleeps on the couch.

Stock split — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Market Correction — The day after you buy stocks.