Today's Stock Market Terminology

Momentum Investing — The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing — The art of buying low and selling lower.

Broker — Poorer than you were in 1999.

P/E ratio — The percentage of investors wetting their pants as this market keeps crashing.

Standard & Poor — Your life in a nut shell.

Stock Analyst — Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Bull Market — A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Bear Market — A 6-month to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

Stock split — When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner — A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction — The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow — The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Call Option — Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Cisco — Side kick of Poncho.

Yahoo — What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $540 per share.

Windows 2000 — What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $540 per share.

Institutional Investor — Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.

Profit — Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates — Where God goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan — God.

Thanks, George in Montgomery, AL